Brain Failure

Friday. Looking forward to the century tomorrow. I had so much fun last year riding with the NBC Blur riders. Bed early tonight. I suppose normal people are thinking about beer and fireworks and things like that. I guess this is my way of being social ... and getting that huge endorphin rush I so crave all at once.

I’ve been thinking of why I haven’t been writing. I could easily say it is because I have been so busy, which is true. I have been thinking about so many things to write about. I was thinking about how what some of what I have been reading in other people’s blogs reflect this idea of intimidation of somehow writing something that will be embarrassing or how difficult it is for them to put themselves and their thoughts out into the world for this thing called judgement. Then I started to think about exposure and vulnerability and how there are actually so many different types of exposure and vulnerabilities. Maybe to be judged, yeah, this is a thing. Some people are still afraid of communal or societal judgement or are just shy for whatever reason.

But what about privacy? What and why is privacy?

Interesting isn’t it?

And all of us have this need on different levels for different reasons.

Some people just don’t want to be bothered. Some are hiding things. Some are strategic. Some are protective. Some people are private ... for private reasons.

I struggled with all the things I wasn’t going to write about. Choosing privacy.

I am not usually a private person. And I had taught myself not to be shy a long long time ago. I used to be horribly shy. Side effect of being an only child of my upbringing, I suppose. Not being shy was definitely a learned effort. But it doesn’t mean I lost the natural tendency to be introverted, nor does it mean I have any less desire to have privacy.

So I wondered why. Why now all of a sudden do I have this overwhelming desire for privacy.

I’d tell you, but then I would have to kill you ... and I’m just not in the mood today for killing. Will have to wait for tomorrow’s ride I guess.. for the killing, I mean.

In the meanwhile, I have climbing. I tend to choose the oddest ways of being social. Even when climbing, I will have a tendency to go off and just play with some routes or exercises on my own. It’s not to be antisocial. It’s really just to make myself better so when I am off doing things with others who share a passion, I can keep up. Nothing worse, for example, when a group is riding and someone falls behind and feels bad for holding up a group - or when you’re out in the mountains and someone breaks a leg because they had a panic attack. Yea - It’s happened. Helicoptered out.

Just realizing how many stories I have to tell. And how I just distracted you from what I didn’t want to tell you.

Fading fast though... over n out.