Avoidance

I have a rock in my stomach! Too much pasta. This coffee just isn’t kicking in.

Ever heard of a lost weekend? I feel like I’ve had a lost week. And I have. It’s been seven days exactly. But my lost week wasn’t like a lost weekend - I mean, I wasn’t getting lost in a bottle or anything. I was working... a lot. And training. Training. Such a  funny word to use for having a lot of fun and doing a lot of work on a bike or on foot or on a wall or whatever. Being concise with words and all that - well, until I ruined it with an explanation and all. But this journaling and free form story telling isn’t designed to unfold using economy and efficiency. So .... effectiveness? Was it helpful for me to unpack the word “training”? Was  it for you, dear reader? It was for me, although a novelty unpacking with slight and subtle irony.

Perhaps “training” is my bottle these days. It’s something to explore. That and other personal things. Another reason I believe I was ... withholding.

More on that in a minute.

Training - physical training, that is - causes all kinds of brain chemicals to release or form. Also, you can get hooked on the accomplishment - it may not be easy to knock out ten reps or 100 miles, but you can rack ‘em up. It’s physical. You can mark it. It feels good and you can say you did something. The emotional attachment to this all is different also. Not only is it so personal and individual, you work out emotional or intellectual things that often are reactions or presented by outside forces ... aka other people.... the interpersonal relationship didactics worked out in a hundred miles at 21 miles per hour by bicycle. Not much matters after a while. Every breakdown, every trivial nitpick, every difference and argument seems petty after a while. It may still be there - but not for you. Not any more. You burned it up.

But that’s a tangent. It’s not the WHY, it’s just a side benefit. And you keep moving forward. It’s a great way to spend the time regardless. And, besides, why sweat the small stuff anyway? Often arguments actually are petty and need to just move over. Anyone who wastes too much time being angry needs to be out of your life anyway. If you can’t be the one who says, “I love you and I’m sorry” because of ego, you need to go.

I’ll never forget the racer I met in Girona - He was so lean and tall. He was preparing for Giro or something. He rode long and smooth. But what impressed me most was that he barely spoke really. He was just all blissed out all the time. He had a few things he saved his passion for and the rest didn’t matter, but he was blissful to all. Especially the ones he was closest to.

These are some of the things I am coming to understand.