She knew better than to listen to Chuck Palahniuk while eating breakfast. He rambled on with a firm tone about little boys jacking off in strange ways that would end them up in the hospital while she toasted her bread and tofu slices in a little olive oil in a pan. She was just too lazy at this point to wash the oil off her fingers, dry them and fiddle with the iPad to find something more palatable on YouTube so she let it roll.
The bread was golden on one side and she placed it on her antique blue and white china plate.
“The Arabs really knew how to jack off,” the words tumbled into her ears as she flipped the tofu slices. “The wax in his pee hole could be seen in the x-ray,” small disconcerting vomit feelings required repressing as she spread BBQ sauce on the bread and tossed on chopped lettuce as he went on to say something about little globs of semen in the pool floating about “and thats why they called it pearl diving”.
She finished her tofu, BBQ and lettuce sandwich on nice crispy, organic multigrain bread slices thinking to herself, My stomach will be stronger for this, and simultaneously, Why am I listening to this obviously deeply disturbed man, and also, who I love so dearly for treading on taboo topics without batting an eye.
Proud that she had what she considered to be a ‘clean and healthy breakfast’, she put on a kettle for tea and went to her laptop straightaway to get to work. She had been vegan-ing and alcohol free for a month now and noticed the change in her body and thought process. She found herself sleeping for longer periods with more vivid dreams and feeling more satisfied in general. She also felt herself to have become more antisocial and less likely to go out since most of her friends wanted to go to bars and one of her favorite things to do at bars was analyze drinks. This beer so malty and nutty with hints of pollen and grass. This whisky hits the back of your throat like a cat’s tongue. This wine is like a red grape dipped in stinky cheese. And on and on. She also liked to get drunk and do stupid things like climbing trees in the middle of the night or skip down the sidewalk peeling off layer after layer of clothing. Better that that pretend to have intelligent conversations which would disintegrate into hopefully making out passionately with a stranger on a bar floor and forgetting about it all in the morning, yet somehow feeling refreshed.
Yes, this new clean and mature self seemed remotely responsible and authoritarian, yet she knew the truth: she was bored and longed for some new life-fulfilling, mind-altering and spirit-enriching challenge of sorts. Not knowing exactly what that was, she began reading daily tarot cards.
The Chariot. Direction. Control. Willpower. At times, success and victory is the result of pure willpower and self control. To achieve and accomplish what you desire, you must take the reins and harness the chaotic forces that surround you.
Each day she would wake, eat her clean food breakfast, drink her vegan protein and greens shake, read her tarot card, work, go to yoga, have random conversations, go home and fall asleep early while meditating on a bigger, brighter future. Today was different. Today she listened to one of her favorite writers go on about the sliver of truth in his tales. This tale, unfortunately for her, was about masturbating. The pay off in this, however, was his description of what he does when he unfolds a story. It was in novelty made regular and his joy in the odd. It was the revealing of the disturbed mind in us all and his endless search and practice of development, in perfecting his art form. It is in his knowing his craft so well he could unwrap a perfectly disgusting habit or perverse fetish and make it roll out of his mouth as if he were reading a very compelling grocery list.
V of Swords. Lingering perversion. Desire, burning desire. Tie me up and let me beg forgiveness. You have been burdened with an unquenchable thirst for lust like a vampire thirsts for blood, and where competition was fierce for attention, all are satisfied by an oily orgy in your living room. You will become exhausted, but satisfied yet you long for that one special someone.
Hmmm. Thats an odd card reading.
The Moon. Dreaming. Fantasies. Gut instincts. Night is the time when your dreams and fantasies rule. You have deep intuition that you’ve been ignoring, but in the moonlight you find yourself dancing naked in the park playfully in perfection with rugged and handsome men. But beware, the reflections in the pool of your dreams may be calling you like a pied piper to the darkness.
Rugged and handsome men? What is up with this deck, she wondered. Well, no time to worry about this weirdness now. It’s time to head out for meetings and yoga and healthy eating so as one can return to hit the sack early for a good night’s rest.
VI of Cups. Nostalgia. Happy Memories. Reunion. Your vagina misses it’s old penis. Find that guy. We’re lonely down here.
What?! Okay. Seriously. Someone is playing a joke on me, she thought. Maybe that’s just what I get for using the free online deck instead of buying one like a normal person. She blew her nose as she was indeed getting over a terrible cold, bottled up her Echinacea- spearmint tea and headed out the door. She walked past the shops and the post office and the park. In the reflection of her compact as she waited for the bus she saw curly ginger tendrils cut masculinely around a freckled wax-like and large ear. Her eyes widened and she turned around quickly thinking she had seen her old flame in the reflection. Looking up as she turned to spy the tall, handsome man she once knew, she looked into air. She lowered her chin to see the ginger locks attached to a large waxy ear which was attached to a face on a short man in a Members-Only-esque beige jacket chatting idly with what she presumed to be a co-worker.
The bus arrived and she took one slow step at a time as she filed in queue to pay and find a seat. At the office, she banged away at her computer jotting down data points and entering in rows of copy after copy blankly, yet efficiently. The minutes rolled into hours. She went out for a smoke. She sat there with the unlit cigarette in her hand and pulled out her phone.
Ace of Wands. Creation. Willpower. Inspiration. Desire. You will never smoke that cigarette you neurotic twat. Why do you even bother to carry it around? You know you are just way too conscientious to actually smoke it even though you used to smoke and have a terrible self-destructive side. By the way, forget about that ex. He wasn’t good for you no matter how good the sex was. I was just pulling your leg. Made ya look though, didn’t I?