Just now as I'm soaking in a hot-but not so hot - eucalyptus Epsom salty bath, I realize I don't always like things to be so intense.
I'm enjoying this warmth - whereas in some other days I enjoy the heat. Now, I lay here perfectly enveloped in the warm wash of comfort. It's almost velvety.
I wonder to myself if this means I'm getting old.
The velvety warmth swishes around me everytime I move and the water is viscous because of the saltiness and the light glimmers a bit as it coalesces with the water like a dance.
I look at myself occasionally. I notice the changes. I notice the things I like or don't like trapped all within my one self forever together. Of course, because it me or because of my imagination - just like when you look at me - I pretend I see more that the exterior. I see the intentions and the desires and the past and some future and the now. There is kind and demonic now.
Those sentences may be further dismantled in some amount of time or writing at some later to be disclosed date.
Getting back to the subject matter - this idea of allowing myself to notice and be okay with less than intense - beckons me to realize that although it's not a state of mind I would want to exist in always, it is a state of mind I can enjoy existing in.
This gentle-ness, this quiet peacefulness, this skin hiding just beneath the chilled air under the surface of the water... This salt easing my sore muscles and warm bath easing my stressful day. to night .. It will lead to a restful sleep full of dreams and restore whatever it is I lost in all the work and strain.
Am I getting old? I don't even think it's a question anymore. Of course, I am aging. Already I've lived so many adventures - what difference does it even make? Katie Byron - as crazy as she is - had it right when she said to turn it around. Take that thought and turn it around if you need to... I don't really need to. Not for this. But I have for some other thoughts and it's helped.
It's kind of like when your mom would say, "what's going to happen? Is the roof going to cave in? Will the world come to an end?" The answer is always no. Time won't stop. It is pretty relentless. So we have no choice but to face it. No matter what that "it" is.
For me, it's just being happy. That means somethin g different for everyone. For me, it means being physically and mentally strong enough to take care of my family. To try to keep my children engaged and free thinking at the same time. To find that balance and for them to find their own strength and happiness as well. Of course, it is my hope that doing triathlons and other things inspire them. To them, I will always be old. But maybe I can help redefine exactly was "old" is and what it doesn't have to be.